I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Drunk is not a location!
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
