You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
