Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
