Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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