He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
