So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
