They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
being pregnant is like rehab
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
