My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
