I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i barfeds in our rink
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
