just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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