His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
