Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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