UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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