I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
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