Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize