I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
