also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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