I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
