Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
she smelled like a LAN party
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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