how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
