I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
