I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
