guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
