We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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