no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
