I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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