I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
