i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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