Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
