my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
