Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
So many bounce houses so little time
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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