I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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