Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
