god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
