; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
