We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
