Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
