I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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