just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
