Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Randomize
