nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
