I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
