can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
