apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
