just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
