Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
