Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
