I am puke
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
