We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
