even the AIR tastes like tequila.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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