I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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